This is the closest I came to getting newborn pictures. Being a photographer I had so many ideas in my head but being a new mom I never could find a time when he was calm enough to implement them. They aren't so bad there just isn't alot of variety or pizzazz to them.
To be honest, I look back at that time (the first month) and I am amazed I even got these pictures. I guess the guilt of not having anything (coupled with the shame of actually being a photographer) outweighed the depression. It was pretty rough in the beginning. That was supposed to be the happiest time of my life and it wasn't. I mean, Liam took his sweet time coming to us! I should have been ecstatic. But, I wasn't. I bet everyone feels this way but it was all SOOO overwhelming to me. Most people talk about the exhaustion but for me it was more about the lack of schedule/control and the permanent butt print I was leaving on the couch while I was nursing this child. They tell you that they need to eat every 2-3 hours. What they don't tell you is that it can take that long to get a feeding done! I know my only job was to love that baby but it was a shock to my system not to get anything else done. Plus, we had our share of breastfeeding issues... And, holy hell, if one more person tells me just to stop and enjoy this time, I'm gonna punch them in the face!!! That first month was nearly impossible to enjoy and my husband will attest to how completely irrational I was. There were times when I felt like Diego and Liam were better off without me. Then there was the utter meltdown about breastfeeding. With everything combined, I decided I needed some help. I got some medication, I saw a counselor, I went to support groups and I continued to try everything I could to help breastfeeding. I don't know if any of those things were individually or cumulatively helpful or if it's just that Liam got older and I have figured some more things out but things are SOOO much better now. He smiles, we go for walks, he takes a good 3 hour nap in the middle of the day. I am pleased to say that we are still breastfeeding. Of course, we are still supplementing and pumping as well. But I can, with confidence, say that I tried everything to be exclusively breastfeeding. Teas, capsules, tinctures, lactation consultants galore, support groups (plural), regular pumping... We even had a posterior tongue tie clipped. I have finally reached a happy place. I don't feel guilty if I forget to pump. I don't feel guilty if I give him formula. I am finally able to sit with my child and enjoy. Don't judge me for not relishing that first month. Maybe I'm just not into newborns. Maybe I'll be like that next time or maybe I'll be wiser for the journey. Doesn't matter. It brought me to where I am now. And this is a good place to be!
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